Day 74

Today was going to be my first day at work in over a week. I was dreading it because I don't love my job and because I have no pressing tasks or projects to keep me busy. The universe heard my wish to stay home today and gifted me with a mucousy chest cold, the kind where you almost throw up due to a coughing fit. Now I HAVE to go to work tomorrow no matter how I feel because I am on call for the rest of the psychologists in the hospital and everyone is away which means no one can cover for me. Also my specific office closes half day tomorrow but I stupidly have to stay all day. Life can be a pain in the ass, and it makes me sad that I am ending the year with such blahness. Let's hope 2014 starts with more of a bang. 

Day 73

It's homemade Chex mix bingeing season! Got my annual Christmas gift batch from my MIL and I'm taking care of it quick. Gotta get myself good and bloated before the New Years resolutions set in. To add to the challenge I also received a pound of my favorite butterscotch squares from See's candies. Bring on the stretch pants!

Day 72

I've been sucking at writing daily. Good news is I'm nearly to my goal, right?

Today was rough. I was in a crummy mood. A was in a crummy mood. Neither of us has yet developed the ability to read minds. Recipe for disaster (aka tense silence interspersed with sharp comments). We followed that with an angry, fighting, me-crying walk. I think the walk actually helped a bit. But sometimes it's so hard to shake a mood, a feeling, a perceived insult. I guess if a walk helps a little, that's what running could be for. Which means I'll just feel crummy a bit longer because no way I'm running. 

Day 70

We had a really lovely Christmas with that exception of both getting colds. Today was a long series of naps in lieu of the chores I intended. Tomorrow we decide if we're up for driving 3hrs to Maryland to see A's family or if we will continue to hibernate. In case you think I'm just being a baby, we both felt junky enough that we haven't bothered to exchange presents with each other. And I love presents. 

Hope your holiday came with all the good stuff. 

Day 67

Bad news: colleagues expect my feedback on a grant application we're making by 12/27, and I'm going to be holidaying. 

Bad news: still not finished getting or wrapping Christmas gifts, and everything so far seems boring and uninspired and not very thoughtful of me. 

Good news: we just opened the wedding albums and prints we got for our parents and grandparents and they are great! At the very least these gifts will be a hit. 

Good news: I am off until Monday. 

Good news: I ate all my servings of fruits and vegetables today. This is a huge accomplishment for Christmas week. I didn't even have cookies or candy all day!

Good news: had a cleaning and all clear checkup at the dentist. 

Good outweighs the bad. Not a terrible way to head into a holiday!

Day 66

2/3 of the way through my writing challenge today. I feel like I am in a good place. I had a wonderful weekend with friends that have become family. I have one day of work tomorrow then a week off with Anne and our families, and finally time to frantically shop and wrap presents and feel a bit more Christmasy. I am watching the Sound of Music (orig, thank god) and reminded of all the Christmases of my youth when I'd watch in the soft glow of the tree lights until the nazis came and my mom turned it off and told me to go to bed. I wonder what new traditions and memories will come to pass when I look back on this time with Anne, once we have a family, when I am me but a better version of me because I will be older and wiser and more experienced. Will I bake cookies or send cards or sing songs or just sit in my pajamas with my loved ones watching Julie Andrews sing?

Day 64

So tired. So busy. My introspector is taking a holiday. 

Day 62

As annoying as many aspects of popular culture may be, it is pretty amazing how they serve as time stamps on life. I'm watching Barbara Walters most fascinating people special and they are reviewing the list makers since 1995.  I was 15, in 10th grade, finally starting to be aware of the world around me. People and events I haven't thought of in 15+ years are suddenly here in TV with baba wawa and it's like I time traveled to where I was when that happened. I guess I will be more patient with twerking and paleo and the Kardashians and stupid internet memes because one day those things will be my anchor to this moment. Right now. 

Day 61

Today was really hard. Scary and frustrating and irritating and disappointing and isolating and not-sure-when-things-get-less-hard kind of hard. Tomorrow is a new day, I hope it is not more of the same. 

Day 60

Pets are gross. Let's just start there. Small furry creatures who lick themselves and make us clean up their waste. They throw up and shed and eat things they shouldn't. Sure they are fuzzy and lovey and blah blah. Tonight my asshole cat used the gross to get to the cozy. We have a comfy blanket on the couch that Sid likes more than she ever liked me. But I don't always like to share because then she gets fur on it and it gets gross and becomes a cat blanket. It's been a bit of a tug of war lately given the cold temps and snuggly winter days. She will curl up in my blanket in the seconds that I leave my seat to get a glass of water only to get pissy with me when I toss her off so I can bundle myself up. Tonight I pushed her off my lap a few times because I just wanted some space, hitch cats obviously don't understand. She walked away and acted cool and aloof like cats do to show they don't care about us. Then that nasty creature came flying into the living room, onto the couch, and started burrowing and kneading the blanket like she was ready to settle in. Then she started doing that weird mouth open sniffing thing like something smelled weird. You know what smelled weird? The blanket. Know what it smelled like? Essence of cat piss. It didn't feel wet and she's never been an out of the box pee-er but that bitch got her nasty pee scent on my blanket which I threw at her in a huff. It's too late to start laundry so obviously I should just burn the blanket. And the cat. She looks cozy until then. Fuckin' pets are gross.

Day 59

I was exhausted this weekend and I think the week ahead holds more of the same. So I soaked in the rest time and started to get excited about the holidays. Not enough to finish my shopping, of course, but enough to think about it and engage in some Christmasy things like putting up lights and wandering around a cute town not far from here and taking in the snowy wintry holiday vibe. Time off from work is on the horizon. Good times with family and friends around the corner. Just have to get through this week!

Day 57

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

Get it?!?!

Tonight I burned my mouth on leftover steak and mashed potatoes from last night's dinner out with our best friends. Not your usual burn, but a blister on the hard palate kind of burn. Luckily I have the weekend to rest and recover from my terrible tragic injury. Tomorrow is wide open. Sleeping late! Naps! Feeling guilty about not doing work that I brought home just in case! Wrapping presents! Naps! Soft, cold foods!

Sometimes weekends come at just the right time. 

Day 55

I hate to keep bitching about work but it's the most bitch-inducing thing in my life right now. I am stuck in this place where I lack authority/agency/independence and simultaneously lack effective leadership/guidance/oversight. On the one hand I love the work I do with patients. I sometimes feel effective and sometimes like I'm wasting all of our time. I am frustrated with but generally good at the research work I do. But I am really finding myself so frustrated with being put down in emails that come with fewer than 10 words from a "boss" who has no right to be in charge of me, who hasn't been to work since he was hired in September, who hasn't done a damn thing but undo the work I do in a few words of a hastily written and brusque email. Last night at a monthly academic meeting he refused to say hello or make eye contact. He's a dick and he has a ton of power right now, even though most people know I'm doing the work and he's an absentee egotist. I am in a trap of doing all the work for him, getting none of the power or "glory" or authority or leadership - not that I even want those things. I feel disrespected, disconnected, and pessimistic about how things will be moving forward. I am also now dreading this meeting scheduled next week between him, me, our business manager, and the chief of surgery to discuss "division of labor." I will have to bite my tongue to keep from throwing out the truth, I will have to contain my barf when he acts like we're such a great collaborating team and as though he will actually do anything. I will have to go through the motions, be silenced, be subdued. At least I've gotten practiced at it the past few months...

Day 54

In bed at 10.  That's how today went. 

Day 53

Of course I couldn't fall asleep last night. I woke up wishing for another whole night of sleep. I had one of those days at work where everything is frustrating and nothing is easy. Then we had a work event tonight with a bunch of kids jammed into a small room while we pumped them full of Shirley temples and candy canes and popcorn chicken and then set them loose in an arcade. I got to fight some more with my FSA about my own money they want me to pay them for. Tomorrow I get to schlep across town twice before 10am in a predicted snow storm, have a bunch of meetings, and then go to a compulsory evening lecture on neurofibromatosis. I think it's time for bed....

Day 52

I'm cheating. It's already Monday. I am up way too late lately and I am sure I will pay for it dearly this week. But tonight was so much fun. We slipped and slid through 6" of snow driving to two parties. One with our pod of lesbo lady friends, decorating Christmas cookies and cooing over a new baby. The second with a half homo crowd at a wine exchange. We came home with 10 nice bottles. Boy was that a loopy crowd. I was DD so I got to watch my friends (and some of their parents) slowly start to slur and talk about all the things you wish you could just talk about anyway. The day he worked in the cafeteria at Kent State, and walked out to hear the gunshots and see the blood run into a drain, and he didn't go back after that but ended up here. How this one is lonely, smokes pot and cooks all day and is a little heartbroken when his busy ER doctor boyfriend comes home to eat chips and grilled cheese instead. The one who longs for her daughter and grandchildren  to move closer to home, she is missing their lives because of an adventure-happy husband who fears living near a major city in case of a major worldwide catastrophe. She who is wanting to feel justified in missing her first married Christmas with her husband's family because she wants to see a friend who will be in town briefly. These two who are broken up but living together and each wishing it were different but neither making the move I really leave. So many stories just dying to be told.

Day 51

I missed it! I missed my half-way there goal! I don't even have a good excuse, I was home on the couch last night watching Modern Family re-runs. I wonder if I am going to miss more or less of these daily posts as time goes on. Anyway, since we're 50% to our goal and I missed it, let me share about something else I missed the boat on.

I got married over two years ago. Tonight, for the very first time, we ordered a couple of photos and put together photo books for our parents for Christmas. TWO YEARS. I actually purchased frames and hung them on the wall a year and a half ago with the intention of putting wedding photos in them. Instead they have scraps of wrapping paper or greeting cards as place holders. FOR TWO YEARS. I think that says a lot about how the past two years have gone for us - everything fell to the side, it was more like we were in survival mode. Well guess what, we're back! Things are good! We look back on the wedding and see the joy, not the darkness that came after. We look back, and we look ahead - together - and get excited about what our future holds. Travel! Parties! Decorating the tree! Family! Life is good right now. I'm glad we waited until we felt good to put our love into those photo albums. And now I'm glad that when we flip through the photos we are more in touch with the joy and the love that's captured there than we ever have been before.

NOTE: goddamit it's 12:02 so technically I missed today's post as well. F it.

Day 49

This post a friend shared last night hit a little too close to home. I am grade-A, big time, mayor of procrastination station. The bad kind. It's something I've always wanted to change....later.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wait-but-why/why-procrastinators-procrastinate_b_4369887.html

And here's how to fix it...

http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html

Can I do it?? Do I want to? I do love me some flow...

Day 48

In 100 days it will be March 14th. That's my friend's birthday but more importantly it's Pi day. Which means I will be able to get a free slice of pie at the local pie shop. THIS IS A BIG DEAL even though last year I didn't particularly like the bourbon butterscotch pie they gave out despite the fact that I like both bourbon and butterscotch. Also - only a few more weeks of increasing darkness. Soon, we will have increasing LIGHT and be hurtling through space towards spring time!

Things like this may just get me through the long dark days of winter.

Day 47

So I did sort of end up quitting caffeine. I haven't had my regular morning cup of coffee in 2wks and only had a diet coke once on a long drive last weekend. I did have a small, half cup of half caf today at work and it coincided with a total pain in the ass work day and insurance bull shit and my heart was racing and now I have a crick in my neck. Coincidence? Who knows. All I know is that I am exhausted, I go to bed earlier, and I've consistently been waking up at 3:45 every morning wide awake. This doesn't seem like a good decision yet. 

Day 46

I am occasionally superstitious but in no rule bound sense of the word. Tonight on my walk home a streetlight turned on as I passed under it - this is good, being bathed in light. When I've walked under lamps that go out, I speed up and make a wish to protect myself. I wish on 11:11 and 12:34 and shooting stars and the first star I see tonight even when it's sometimes a planet. I read my horoscope and nod enthusiastically when it resembles my own hopes for the day or month, but p-shaw it away when the outlook is not so good. I pick up pennies but only if they are heads up, and I stow them in a pocket for when I want some good luck later. I think of my mother when I leave a party, "always go out the same door you came in." She also taught me to put the Virgin Mary in the window for good weather, pray to St. Anthony when something cannot be found, that when your left ear rings someone is talking good about you but the right ear is bad (left is love, right is spite). What power we think we have over our lives, casting spells and wishes and tossing things over our shoulders so that good things will come. I know none of it matters but I cannot stop myself, just in case. 

Day 44

In Podunk Bay, Maryland. Send wifi or 3G. 

Day 43

I was almost asleep when I realized I hadn't posted. This is the most consistent I've been at anything ever so I wasn't about to skip a day on account of forgetfulness. Is this dedication to a silly exercise or what?

Day 42

I am full of delicious food and gratitude. 

Day 41

It's Thanksgiving Eve so I suppose it's time to get grateful. Currently I am thankful that I don't need to cook anything for tomorrow's dinner with my family. I'm sad A won't be able to join us but I'm thankful she has a job she enjoys after a year of unemployment and depression. I'm thankful I'm not out at some bar in my hometown reliving my glory days with friends from high school because that was never really our thing anyway and it's cold out and who wants to get dressed and go out and feel judgmental of others. I'm thankful to be spending tonight at home rather than at my parents' because they are so noisy in the mornings, with the dogs practically tap dancing up and down the hall until everyone is up. I'm thankful that my cat will snuggle with me when it's cold because it's just so cute to nap with a cat. I am thankful to be where I am, to be looking forward to where I'm going. 

Day 40

40% of the way to my goal of 100 days of introspections. I've been quite self-focused lately which I guess is the point. Today I realized that no matter how hard I try to seem pulled together I am still the kind of person who writes things on her hand so she doesn't forget. "RX" was my tattoo today, because unlike a pulled together grown up person I once again ran out of my asthma meds right before a holiday, and an overnight trip to my parents. In the pine barrens. With two dogs and a cat. And me allergic to pine trees, dogs, and cats. At least I remembered to pick the stuff up though. 

Day 39

I felt so crummy today. It coincided with a pre-planned day off work so I guess that's OK since I planned to be a lump today anyway. I have gotten some great quality time with Sid (the cat) who is making this cold weather easier to deal with because she will give you approximately 4.5 seconds to settle into your spot on the sofa before she claims her nook to warmly snuggle into. Despite the laziness and malaise, I did manage to grocery shop (so much easier on a non weekend!) and go to the post office and call to get some prescriptions refilled. The goal I forgot to accomplish was making a dentist appointment but can you blame me? There's been nothing good on TV but right now I'm watching a TLC re-run of a little girl born with schizophrenia. Brains are wild places, full of such capacity for beauty and genius and chaos.

Day 38

I signed up for this thing called "Tiny Habits," an online coaching program/system that helps you set and achieve small change goals. It starts tomorrow for me. Apparently if I play my cards right and take some baby steps I'll be working some new habits in no time. My goals for this week include:

1 - After I walk in the door, deal with the day's mail right away (throw away junk ASAP)
2 - After my alarm rings, GET THE F*CK OUT OF BED
3 - After I get home/cook dinner, pick up the living room so it stays neat.

These seem like miniscule and yet somehow impossible things to accomplish. Let's see how it goes.

Day 37

Today was one of those great for no good reason days. Slept in, chilled out, had a lovely afternoon and evening with A. Things just feel good.*

*except the itching. I'm taking myself off of Zyrtec which I've taken daily for about a decade. Apparently massive hives and uncontrollable terrible itching for 3-6 weeks is par for the course. I'm on day 8? 10?  Itch City, Pop 1

Day 36

TGIF man. I need to recharge so that I an start to re-energize and re-engage in my work life because right now it's just a drag of seat work and projects I don't care about and killing time. Plus some cat videos, because duh. 

Day 35

"I'm fine, I think."

Tonight I am mourning the loss of my very much alive cat. I think she had a seizure or some kind of strange brief episode about an hour ago. First she howled and dry heaved like she'd puke. Obviously this was on the rug so of course I moved her to the hardwood for easy gross clean up. She howled again and growled a bit and then stumbled to her toy box, where she kinda fell over a little and then froze a bit and stood weakly with a far away look in her eyes. She panted and drooled a bit then stared at me and I was convinced I was watching her die. Then a minute later she slowly walked to the kitchen ate her whle dinner at once. 

Animals are the best/worst. In the space of three minutes her furry little life flashed before my eyes. I teared up thinking about this time a year ago when we put our Stella cat to sleep because she had an undiscovered terrible heart condition. It was awful and maybe the saddest I can remember being. Animals are dirty hairy little beasts who warm our hearts and make messes and comfort us in ways I am not sure they mean to. 

Sometimes I cannot imagine how people have children if this is how heart breaking a suddenly and mysteriously sick but now seemingly recovered old dandruffy cat can be. 

Day 34

Tonight I re-discovered a down throw that had been buried in the basement. I predict that this winter is going to be just fine.

Day 33

I am 1/3 of the way to my goal! That's kind of a big deal. Also, it's like barely halfway for the pessimists out there.

Today was a good day. I "worked from home" after a doctor's appointment. I treated myself to a last-minute and discounted haircut. I got a delicious deli sandwich when I learned I needed to go to the ATM because the salon only accepts cash tips. I took a nap. I cooked a big pot of delicious white bean and kale soup. I face-timed with my family. I sent A off to work night shift (and she thankfully was able to sleep a while today). I watched a rocket launch into space. With my own eyes! Now I will finally buckle down to do a little work at 9pm, sorta-passively rating internship applications (I swear we take you seriously but I can't believe all the effort that goes into those apps and how quickly we rate them and toss them in a pile). I will simultaneously and probably less passively be watching Masters of Sex. I heart Lizzie Caplan. I heart hats and dresses from that era. We'll see if I heart the rest of it.

66.666% introspection left until I'm cured of my extroversion!

Day 32

I drank a small cup of half-caf coffee from the office Keurig today. It was terrible. I feel terrible. Remind me again why cutting back caffeine is a good idea? Oh yeah - the withdrawal headaches, the trouble sleeping, the random bouts of anxiety when I've had an extra diet coke. Still, it might be worth it...

Day 31

My sister ran the Philadelphia half marathon today. We went to cheer her on and I saw this flood of people who had clearly dedicated the past few months of their lives to training for the race. The marathoners and half-marathoners all ran together, and it was hard to figure out who was who so I avoided saying things like "almost there!"

What amazed me most was the variety of people who were there. I saw a 90 year old man just bopping along like no big deal. A horde of children running and laughing and just having a great old time. Groups of girl friends in matching gear, chatting their way through miles 8 and 9. Skinny people. Fat people. Fit people who made it look easy. People who looked like they could drop dead.

I felt proud of all of them, for committing to it and trying and accomplishing something so challenging. Then I went to brunch and took a nap and felt a little guilty about how lazy and unproductive and un-fit and non-goal oriented I can be. But good for them!

Day 30

I was a sloth today. It was glorious. 

Day 29

I have been craving this weekend for weeks. Tomorrow is gloriously unscheduled! My goals include sleeping embarrassingly late, eating an overly toasted bagel with cream cheese and strawberry jam, doing laundry, snuggling up with a book, and cooking a nice dinner. That's it. Simple pleasures are the best when I can have the ability to really appreciate them!

Day 28

Just trying to wrap my head around a world in which a woman is parading around in a $10 million dollar jeweled bra during a show that cost more to produce than most families will earn in a life time...


...at the same time that people are struggling to find clean water to drink after an epic storm, in a world where people in my neighborhood don't know where their next meal is coming from, where my patients' parents skip medical appointments because they cannot afford a copay for their sick kids.

It gets so overwhelming to think of the imbalance of need and privilege in the world. It is so easy to feel helpless. I do so little to make the world a better place. I make occasional donations to the RedCross, I recycle, I work in a non-profit children's hospital instead of raking in the cash-only private practice bucks, I sign up for holiday gift drives and donate canned goods at the store.  But that is so not enough. I spend more time worrying about whether to upgrade my cable than I do considering how to help others. It's embarrassing. I feel ashamed. Is it enough to just throw some money out there once in a while? It can't be.

Day 27

Today my sister turned 32. For a few short months we're just a year apart in age, which I always get a kick out of. We have a strange relationship. It's not bad or good it's just different than I think many sisters that close in age are like. We met for happy hour and stuffed ourselves on cocktails and half price appetizers and I got to look like the generous older sister when I treated her for under $40 all together (the sign of a very good happy hour special). Last year when we went out for her birthday she was having a hard time and I told her to set 31 goals for the year. Tonight I asked about whether she made a list and it turns out she did; it's under her bed and she was going to dig it out as soon as she got home to check things off, update, and add goals until she's at 32.

I started this goal-setting task when I turned 32 and I have to tell you it's been pretty awesome in that it encourages me to prioritize some things for myself and gives me some direction when I'm feeling bored or restless or unfulfilled (kind of like I am lately). Talking about it with her made me want to come home and check in on my own progress. So in the interest of extroverted introspection, I'm posting it here. I've got 2 months to get to the rest of them - Looks like I'm going to be busy!

1. Read 3 classic novels
2. Go to Yosemite
3. Go to Hawaii. Buy a souvenir.
4. Learn to sew
5. Make a quilt
6. Get pregnant (working on it!)
7. Work on being neater at home.
8. Get more furniture and plants for the roof deck. Use it more!
9. See a Broadway show.
10. Maintain healthy eating habits. Limit junk foods. (ongoing)
11. Be active - walk and exercise regularly (more than 1x per week) (ongoing)
12. Lose 5-10lbs (and/or don't gain weight, unless #6) (ongoing)
13. Get a real nightstand in the bedroom, with my own lamp
14. Get a long, low dresser in the bedroom
15. Paint or refinish a piece of furniture
16. Make some art to hang in the house
17. Go to Grounds for Sculpture
18. Try to eat at Philadelphia Magazine's Top 50 Restaurants
19. Turn the basement into a cozy den
20. Paint the wall under the counter/bar
21. Go away for a long weekend with Anne only
22. Have more sex (ongoing)
23. Find a great pair of boots. Buy them, for under $300.
24. Donate more to charity
25. Get rid of old clothes
26. Go out with Anne once a month on a date (ongoing)
27. Experiment with at-home cocktails (create a signature drink)
28. Take baths in the tub
29. Use the blender
30. Frame the Philadelphia print, hang it on the map wall
31. Get prescription sunglasses
32. Reupholster dining room chairs
33. Foster a marriage that is fulfilling and enjoyable - for both of us (ongoing)

Day 26

Today was crummy. It was blustery and freezing and I was under dressed for walking into and out of work. Work stunk - I feel so powerless, so uninvested in what I spend most of my time doing, and also trapped there. I went to couples therapy feeling good and left feeling at odds with each other. Tomorrow is going to be a drag, too. I'm such a crank today!

PS It's tough to come up with something to write every day, and have it really be about some deep inner process. Mostly probably because I'm in a junk mood.

Day 25

I have reached a milestone! I am 25% of the way towards my goal! And I've only skipped two days of writing. Sure, they're not all gems and they are rarely true attempts at introspection, but at the very least I have established a daily practice of some sort, which is a big deal to a chronic quitter like me.

Today I am finding myself in a nice place. I treated myself with a much needed "work from home" day. I slept in a bit, I had a positive experience at the doctor's office, I met an old friend for lunch and it was phenomenal to catch up and reconnect with such a great, smart, person who I feel connected to on many levels even though we're not really that close, wandered through some shops downtown, had some nice at-home time with A, took a snuggly nap with my cat, did a little bit of work, and then met a friend for a really lovely catch up dinner. I wish every day could be a little more like today. I will work to take bits of today into tomorrow.

Day 24

I didn't get around to writing yesterday bc we were quite busy entertaining the in laws, replacing the bathroom vent fans, eating non stop, and going to a friend's party where I felt totally socially incompetent and like the people there didn't like much. All of it sort of reinforced my feeling that maybe I'm an Introvert, but maybe I'm just lazy and like to snuggle in. But the best thing about this weekend is that feeling of good on the horizon is still there. It's here today. I'm optimistic about life right now and to see what the future holds. Tonight my future holds some couch snuggling, picnic food for dinner and going to bed tonight knowing that I will not be going to work tomorrow.

Day 22

Today I came across these lovely illustrations of 11 untranslatable words from other cultures and I found myself wondering about how powerful language is. When we have a word we use it. When we don't, we struggle to effectively and eloquently communicate the meaning, gravity, and context of our thoughts, feelings, urges, behaviors or situations. What the word is for the feeling you get when you get the sense that things are going to change but you're just not sure how? What is the word for the space inside that transition point, the liminal space where things aren't coming or going but they are about to? The word for when you just trust that happiness is on the horizon?

From: blog.maptia.com

Day 21

I'm beginning to think I'm not really an extrovert. I have been pretty much non-stop interfacing with people all week, networking and planning and collaborating. I am exhausted. The idea of a long day at work tomorrow with researchers visiting from another study site, happy hour with friends (adios uterine fibroid party, like you do), in-laws all weekend, party Saturday night. A true extrovert would be hopped up on all this socializing, right? I am bushed. I want to be home, snuggled in with A and the cat and a book or a movie or some music.

Lately I've been catching moments of quiet and calm and maybe even a little mindless mindfulness thanks to the wonder of webcams. Check out explore.org and see what strikes your fancy. I was puppy-struck for some time but today I stared at the surf in Oahu's Turtle Bay and Waimea Bay between patients and meetings and conference calls. I couldn't help but let my mind drift back just three months ago when my feet were in that same warm sand, the surf flat as glass, smelling like the coconut shampoo I stole from the hotel. Quiet, alone, relaxed.

Day 20

In 100 days it will be Valentines Day. So fuck Hallmark's February profits, screw the cute cards and teddy bears whose noses are magnetized together and red and pink M&Ms. Go tell someone you love them right now. Wear something silky or sassy. Eat chocolate and have a rich full bodied glass of red. Give your sweetie a smooch that says I love you so hard even though it's just Wednesday night and I have to go scrub the toilets because your parents are coming to stay the whole weekend and I haven't had a day off in two weeks. That's love.

Day 19

I did not vote today. I feel so ashamed! But I've been so busy I didn't have time to learn about our candidates. Apparently 4 PA Supreme Court justices were up for reappointment, and some local council folks were running. I'm embarrassed to have not done my civic duty. 

On the plus side I did buy 2 friends baby gifts and didn't even think of the fact that I don't have but really want a baby the whole time! Until I got home and took the tags off the books and wondered what book shelf I would use in the hypothetical baby room.  And when I folded the little outfits I thought about folding loads of miniature laundry. 

I should be more invested in my local government because first of all I live here, and it's important to weigh in for democracy to work effectively, and because I may one day have a kid in small clothing trying to learn to read in one of our currently notoriously failing schools. 

Day 18

I need a hobby. I think a hobby is some type of productive and enjoyable pastime, right? Like paint by numbers, building ships in bottles, model airplane kits, ham radio. I suppose watching TV and reading things on the internet could be hobbies in that they pass the time, but I often feel like such a slug even when I enjoy it. I keep getting ideas about hobbies I might like, which more often than not start with me feeling ambitious and buying things, doing it for a bit, and then settling back to the couch and the tv and the internet. I was super hooked on yoga a few years ago for a while, and that stuck but mostly because I didn't have cable and internet in my apartment (I'm old, it used to happen like that, I swear). Since then I've tried knitting (can't learn from a book or the internet, cat messed up the yarn, sucked at it and gave up), sewing (took a class, liked it, bought stuff, tried it for a weekend, gave up), video projects (get addicted for 47 straight hours, make a mediocre clip of a recent vacation, share it and get sad that people don't want to show it at Sundance, give up), joined a gym (still pay my $45 monthly fat/lazy tax, haven't been since the spring). I've bought craft supplies by the cart full, dug small gardens where I can fit some dirt only to watch things wither, pieced together puzzles and imagined that one day I'd teach myself to play guitar. Over and over again, I give up - often before I even get started.

As I get older, and my life becomes more compartmentalized (work/relationship/friends/self) I realize that my time alone is so passive and sedentary. I want to be able to create something, to cultivate a skill or a passion or something. So what is it? How do I find my thing? (Remember, I am incredibly lazy so low effort and/or extreme coercion is often key)

Day 17

The past few weeks have exhausted me. Mostly because of work - not because it's tiring and busy or strenuous or anything like that, but because I have been continually faced with questions about my the value I place on my work and the value that is given to me by others. It's all been very preoccupying. I love the patients and families I work with. I like a lot of the people I work with, and when it comes down to it the job I do isn't that bad either. But I can't help but feeling unfulfilled by it all, like I don't have a real say in my future. It's got me thinking a lot again about what I would do if I could. I really can't come up with much. How do you know when a job is the right one for you, and when it's not? Is it enough to stably pay the bills, or if not where do you draw the line and say that a job isn't worth it? Can I create a sense of passion for the work I do, if the factors outside my control remain the same?

Lotsa junk in my work brain right now. Unfortunately I have to get to sleep now so I can do it all again tomorrow. I get to cap off a long week of long days and long weekend of misogynistic workshops with an evening faculty meeting tomorrow.

Day 16

I was at a conference today that focused on the intersection of appearance and identity, at least ostensibly so. Unfortunately it was more like a boys' club circle jerk where they all pimped each others' work and focused mostly on women and beauty and how plastic surgery is an art. Which of course it is. But what about women and objectification and disfigurement and social status and privilege? Two women did present but not terribly effectively, though they both openly alluded to feminism without fully getting into it. They at least placed appearance in context a bit. The one guy, an economist, coy-ly and repeatedly referred to a joke about how housework makes you ugly, to prove that mostly women do housework BECAUSE they are ugly, since ugly women don't make much money. They all laughed and laughed. I raised my hand to comment a few times throughout the day but never got called on like the men did.

Did I mention some of these guys are my colleagues? So...

Day 15

Tonight we had a big work event that combined the best and worst parts of my job. The best is that it was a portrait and documentary film premiere of 4 portraits of patients I've worked closely with, their families, and the artists. It is a really powerful thing to see the strength and grace of these kids and families, all affected by major craniofacial conditions, as they are shown to the world as true images of beauty. I may or may not have cried and hugged multiple parents and kids. I cannot wait until the documentary is available to share. Seriously amazing people. 

The other piece is I got to see my old boss - a lovely woman who saddled me with her projects when she very understandably fled the worst stuff of her life - and my current/future you're-not-the-boss-of-me-but-sorta-are guy she brought in to be PI but who's been an absentee asshole for the past 3 months. There was an obvious tension between him and I and it was terrible and awkward and probably a reasonable indicator of our future working relationship. (He was exceptionally schmoozy with everyone else.) For better or worse I will be spending the weekend with both of them at what I hope will truly be an interesting conference on appearance and identity. So there's that, more best and worst smashed together. Which will prevail?

Day 14

Trick or treat! 

Today I hung out with my sister after work. We handed out candy and watched tv and looked at old photos and she kept trying to talk about Pilates but I didn't really care. Isn't that awful of me? Also I don't know if she's dating anyone but feel like I can't ask.  We are friendly but have never had that lovey sisterly connection. It's kind of weirdly obvious sometimes but it's not something we ever talk about. She's my only sister so I don't know what to compare my experience to but I have always found myself a bit....unfulfilled? Off kilter? Incomplete? as a sister. Families are weird. 

Day 13

I did two new things today. First, I went to a neighborhood association/zoning board meeting tonight. There was some hoopla because a crazy woman owns two houses on the corner that are blighted, collapsing and tax delinquent for the past decade. A developer pursued some legal action, sought a conservatorship, and plans to demo the house. They offered her $200k and another $15k for immediate housing needs. They will demo the homes and put two new, habitable homes in their place. We all thought we were going to a meeting to support a variance for the backyard side to be changed. Turned out the chairman of the neighborhood board had an axe to grind with the developers for kicking an older, mentally ill woman out of the home she lived in. Except, she didn't live there, or maintain the properties, or pay her taxes, and it was becoming a health hazard (filled with pigeons and trees growing through the roof, collapsing walls, etc. etc.). And even her own daughter has not been able to care for her. So we all were stuck in this meeting hoping to approve a patio space but instead there was a battle of the so called "big bad rich developers" and the poor old lady. It was a false fight and a huge waist of time. I think I fully side with the developers here. Mostly because I'm sick of looking into her busted windows covered in pigeon shit.

Then I went to a stand up comedy show. I had no idea what to expect. The whole idea of it seemed a bit sad to me, standing up there trying to make people laugh by telling scripted jokes that seemed funny to you at the time, in front of the mirror, to your girlfriend or your improv troupe or in Indianapolis and Kansas City and Reno. It seems so masochistic really, to sign up for dead silence and missed timing and everyone staring at you. The middle guy (Doogie something or other but all I can think of is Howser) was pretty funny. The last guy, Rory Albanese, was a producer of the Daily Show for 15 years. He was mostly funny but relied too heavily on making fun of others - mostly fat people. I didn't find that funny. I also didn't like when there was a kerfuffle in the audience, this group of 4 people (guys and girls) were fussing with the 2 girls behind them for talking during the show and then one of the guys at the 4-top shouted that there were two see-you-next-tuesdays behind him. What a fucking dick, right? The comedian didn't catch all of it, but unfortunately targeted the girls as the butt of his next joke, saying that clearly they were "Bs" instead of "Cs." It was a missed opportunity because one of his running jokes was about this island where we could send all the assholes, and clearly he should have sent that crass misogynistic fucker to the island.  The tickets were free, so there's that.

Day 12

In 100 days the Winter Olympics begin.



(This week is a doozy. Give me a break on this total cheater post)

Day 11

Sometimes my own vanity/self-consciousness sneaks up on me, surprising me with how biting it is. Tonight we looked at wedding photos from two years ago, finally trying to select a few to print after some not-so-subtle requests from our parents. Of course, I saw the love and the joy and the family, the celebration and triumph and funny-faced dancing. But I also saw the fly-away hair floating around my head, a fiery fuzz in the thick wet air of that September afternoon; the ill-fitting gown that I still don't love; the harsh bump to my nose; my thin upper lip, identical to my father's and brother's; the tan lines on my shoulders, despite the weeks of streaky self-tanner I slicked on in vain; the shine of my sweaty skin, and the round stain from the sweat pooling at the small of my back; the witchy double jointed-ness of my fingers, distracting me from the sparkle of the new rings; the unsupported boobs and back fat spilling out, thanks to the extra pounds I didn't lose because I couldn't live without the comforts of ice cream in the months leading up to the wedding as I crafted and planned alone. I see the sharpness to A's body, 20 pounds underweight, smiles and tears on her hollowed out cheeks as she neared the rock bottom of her depression, which struck us so deeply just a few months later and for so many months after that. I see how short I am - in the sensible, flat shoes that I chose for their comfort and not looks because I didn't want to be the hobbling, blistered bride - and I am reminded of how uncoordinated and uncomfortable I am in the high heels that would give me height and round out my ass. Instead I see myself head and shoulders below everyone there, I see the wideness and the flatness of my mom's and my mom-mom's back side already settling in during my 30s, hip ready to expand further should I bear any children. But damn if my hair and eye makeup didn't look the best they ever have.

Day 10

I have completed 10% of my goal. I am finding that having the responsibility of writing, and thinking, about myself has definitely helped me to be more introspective or at least more aware of what was already swirling under the surface.

Today I am struggling with how to process the news of a very good friend's recent break up from his boyfriend of 3+ years. I can't say I saw them together forever, but I also did not see this coming. He says it was civil and polite, but that his partner has just fallen out of love with him and they have been just going through the motions for some time now. This is the same couple who spent the past few months whisking away to one exotic location after another for vacations, likely a last attempt to try to eek some sparks out of a flame that was long out. It breaks my heart because my friend said he was OK working on things, but his partner decided it was time to leave. They had just moved into to a lovely apartment together - bought lovely furniture, painted it lovely colors, made a lovely home. I will assume their festive holiday housewarming party is canceled, as though that is important to consider at a time like this.

It scares me. I mean, how do you *know* that you are in love, and that your partner is in love with you? How do you get back in to love if you are falling out of it? How does love change and grow with a marriage, and is it enough to just change with it? When do you know the love is just not there anymore? Can you get it back once it's gone?

I'm swirling now with anxious thoughts for my friend, feeling so sad to know how broken hearted he must be, no matter how civil and understandable the break up was. My heart breaks for him being alone, starting over, moving on when he was so OK where he was. But I am also hopeful that he will one day find a true true love who will be with him through thick and thin, who will become as much a part of my family as he is, who will stick through the not-so-lovely parts of relationships and who will make my friend so happy that he'll never have to doubt love again.

And more anxiously, I am thinking of myself and my partner, and wondering - how will we ensure we avoid the same fate?

Day 9

Tonight I am not going to Halloween parties despite an invite or two from distant acquaintances. Not hosting a spooky soirée as I've done in many years past. Not dressing up. Not decorating the house. I will not be on my stoop Thursday evening to hand out candy to greedy kids who didn't have the interest or resources to dress up. I will not be dressing up for the very very long very very busy clinic day at work on the 31st because a children's hospital has a no costumes policy. How festive. 

What a bust, I love Halloween. I can't wait for the day when it's fun for me again. 

Day 8

I introspected today and my inner self wanted mac and cheese. 

Day 7

Cold, weak sunlight filtered through the browning trees on my walk into work. It was dark and blustery on my way home. It's the first day that it feels like a new season, even though our leaves have barely turned and only a few have fallen. I feel that this autumn, though glorious the past few weeks, has just gone before its prime. I am feeling unusually pessimistic about the long dark months to come. I often look forward to the transitions of seasons, excited about the novelty of the food and clothing I haven't thought about in a year, the ritual social events that mark each season. This year feels different.  I think it's because I have no concrete thing to look forward to in the next few months. Not in a hopeless, depress-y way, just in the way of no big trips or events or things to eagerly anticipate. Eager anticipation, for me, is often more fun than the actual event.

I hope that before too long I can pin my hopes on something to carry me through the cold and dark winter.

Day 6

I am applying for promotion at work. The application consists of me submitting my CV, 3 letters of recommendation (one of which is to come from my direct supervisor who hasn't returned a call or email in over a month), a section where I point them to the parts of my CV that show my "clinical excellence," "collaboration," and "leadership." All that is left is this gem:

List your CAREER GOALS and OBJECTIVES

That's it. Goals and objectives. In a list for fuck's sake. Simple, direct, streamlined. Just lay it out there. I love lists, they are a procrastinator's best friend. But my list has stayed empty for a few weeks now, cursor blinking at me as I try to summon up just a few words that sum up my career goals and objectives. I've got nothing. I'm stuck!

I can't tell them that my objective is to show up when I want, play on the internet, hang out with a couple of amazing patients, get that banana pudding they sometimes have at the cafeteria, buy all the colored file folders and sticky notes, and leave by 4. My main objective is to go to work and get paid so I can go live the rest of my life. Ideally the job will be a fair trade for the 12 years and $100,000 dollars I spent on post-high school education. Even better, the job will feel fulfilling and rewarding and I will work with colleagues in an environment of mutual respect and friendship. I don't think any of that will exist when I bump up to the next level, as it hasn't existed yet and right now it's just all the responsibility, none of the glory/authority/agency/yada yada. I'm feeling more and more stuck professionally at work.

It makes me realize I was never particularly passionate about my work. I enjoyed the jobs I had throughout my adolescence and early adulthood (bakery age 13-17, tshirt store at the shore age 15-19, waitressing 18-23, work study junk throughout). I actually really liked waitressing - the harder I worked the more money I made and I basically got paid to hang out with my friends and neighbors. But when I was nearing the end of college and it came time to get a capital J-o-b I was stuck.

I had flailed (not failed but kinda) out of pre-med and ended up with a major in psychology. I asked a professor for a recommendation letter to go work in an eating disorders unit and he hired me to be his research assistant instead. I worked there for 2 years and he convinced me to apply to PhD programs. So I did. I got in, I worked hard, I got a PhD. I jumped through the required hoops, moved to across the country for a single year of training after my coursework, wrote a giant dissertation, amassed clinical training hours, got my license. I enjoyed the work I did, because I like people and their lives and understanding who they are and why they do what they do. But after I got my PhD I was stuck again.

I heard I should get a post-doc, so my old professor/supervisor hooked me up with an interview with a colleague. I got the job, where I basically sailed around aimlessly while my new supervisor went through the worst years of her life (infertility, miscarriage after miscarriage, depression, birth of twins, death of baby, loss of husband's job - the worst). I was brought on to fill the gaps while she circled the drain for three solid years. My fellowship finished up with me managing to learn quite a bit on my own, and then there I was again - stuck and in need of a job.

I interviewed where a friend worked and didn't love it despite their offer. I ended up sticking around at my fellowship - no muss, no fuss. That was two years ago, and here I am - applying for promotion (aka more money) and realizing I have no goals or objectives. My fellowship supervisor left this summer and saddled me with clean up while she goes to start her life over somewhere. Rather than give me any choice or voice the transition process she went and brought in my *original* professor/supervisor as a part-timer, at a HEFTY rate that is apparently eating up the funds that should be for me. So what does it mean to have a past-mentor who is now current-PI but who has no experience doing the research projects we're doing or treating the patients we work with? It means I do all the work and he hasn't shown up to the office for more than an hour since he started 2 months ago. It means he signs me up for research projects with other people in other divisions because "it's good for my professional development" even though I don't have time to work on more projects, and I want to be doing less research not more. It means even when I say, no, I'm sorry, but I can't commit to any more projects right now he sends me ranting emails about my work ethic and his investment in my professional development. It means that when my career goals don't involve being his assistant like I was 12 years ago he turns into a judgmental d-bag. It also means no one likes to work with him so they all come to me to get the job done. It means I'm stuck.

So what does that mean? This is the state of my career. I am a doctor. I am a professional. I am stuck.

Day 5

 Today I spent time with others as a means of spending time for/on/with/by myself. I had 2 long and long overdue phone calls with friends that I have been putting off for too long. I had felt a sick kind of joy in leaving voicemails for them, because it meant I got credit for calling back but didn't have to actually talk. Because it felt like too much energy to catch up, because I feel like life has been pretty stuck, because I feared that if I talked too long I'd complain too much or gloss over things and act like it's all sunshine and rainbows. I found these conversations restorative in many ways because they were with people I have spent really wonderful challenging times with. Time from my year in CA on internship, which was both professionally and personally expansive. Time from my summer trips to beautiful or fun or crazy places that tested our communication and patience, time floating down rivers pondering how small we are, time doing drugs at 3 am shows with giant robots and dancing and lights. I got to learn about their lives in the weeks and months since we last had the luxury and/or coincidence of time to talk. I got to hear about their lives, including some really exciting and tough times they are each facing: New parenthood. Tenure. Physical illness. Engagement. Anxiety. Loneliness. I got to listen to them and be there for them and imagine them living their lives as they told me about them and really root for them. And then, they asked about me and my life and they really cared to hear about it. And so I told them, about what I've done and where I've been, and my thoughts and my feelings about my life. It made me realize how I often awkwardly make self-referential comments in conversations that immediately make me feel self-conscious or selfish for saying "I love that place" or "I remember one time when I did that similar thing you are talking about right now" when I am talking to people who don't know me and don't love me. And it made me realize that I can tell those two ANYTHING and that's pretty awesome. Now if only they weren't each 1000 miles away. But then maybe it's the distance that has allowed us to stay so close?

My best adventures have led me to my best friends

Day 4

This exercise of writing was suggested by my therapist. In our discussions we often come back to the idea of introversion/extroversion, and the ways in which these personality tendencies often relate to not just our behaviors and relationships but also how we process our emotions, the things we struggle with, the parts of life we crave and the parts we neglect. I don't believe it's all so simple as that but I think there is at least something to it. Allegedly, I am a capital-E Extrovert who deals with most of MY life on the outside - endlessly fascinated by others' lives and stories, constant comparisons, struggling to make a decision without a committee meeting, always seeking new ways to keep busy, ever avoiding the stillness and the aloneness that introverts apparently crave.  So I have been tasked with getting to know myself better in relation to my Self. My homework is to spend 10 minutes "with myself" each day, writing, so that I can work to make what is internal and hidden a bit more known to the outside. To practice being alone with my own thoughts, and to see what those thoughts contain and where they take me when I take the time to cultivate my own inner voice. Of course the extrovert in me opted to blog rather than privately journal so there's that.... Let's see where I end up in 100 days.

Day 3

It's already obvious how poorly I do with consistency. People assume I'm Type A and love schedules and lists and all that. And I sort of do. But I am also quite lazy when it comes to starting, working on, and completing most things. Here is a list of things I stopped working on the past year or so:

Couch to 5k training (did it for a week)

Gym membership. I now pay $45 a month in lazy tax. Haven't set foot in there since the spring. I did enjoy some of the classes but fell out of going. 

Sewing (took one class, have a bunch left on a gift card. Made a bad curtain, bought a fancy cart to store my supplies as they collect dust)

Turning our junky but finished basement into a cozy den. I even bought a couch for there, brand new. Mostly furniture appears to be made of an ironing board, camping equipment, and broken picture frames. 

The "map wall" in our 3rd floor stairwell. I had the cute idea to frame only maps of places we've been/hope to go to on this giant wall. We hung one push pin map. We bought like 5 others, which all sit rolled up in the office waiting to be framed and hung. It's been at least a year in the tube for some of those poor maps. 

Getting to work on time. I stroll in around 9:45 or 10 daily. Sheepishly. I seem incapable of getting there at 9 unless a meeting compels me. 

Waking up without 9 million snooze cycles from 3 different alarms. My partner is going to murder me one early morning to the sounds of a buzzing clock. 

So there you have it. Some of the best intentions towards self and home improvement undone by my own laziness. I guess "looking within" as this writing project should be making me do will either help me uncover the source of my inability to follow through or else earn its place on the list above.

Maps awaiting their framed glory

Day 1

Today I start spending 10 minutes a day looking within, in an attempt to better understand and relate to my inner self - the one that is there for me and not in relation to anyone or anything else in my life. I'll catalog some of that introspection here and see where I end up in 100 days - January 26, 2014.