Day 5

 Today I spent time with others as a means of spending time for/on/with/by myself. I had 2 long and long overdue phone calls with friends that I have been putting off for too long. I had felt a sick kind of joy in leaving voicemails for them, because it meant I got credit for calling back but didn't have to actually talk. Because it felt like too much energy to catch up, because I feel like life has been pretty stuck, because I feared that if I talked too long I'd complain too much or gloss over things and act like it's all sunshine and rainbows. I found these conversations restorative in many ways because they were with people I have spent really wonderful challenging times with. Time from my year in CA on internship, which was both professionally and personally expansive. Time from my summer trips to beautiful or fun or crazy places that tested our communication and patience, time floating down rivers pondering how small we are, time doing drugs at 3 am shows with giant robots and dancing and lights. I got to learn about their lives in the weeks and months since we last had the luxury and/or coincidence of time to talk. I got to hear about their lives, including some really exciting and tough times they are each facing: New parenthood. Tenure. Physical illness. Engagement. Anxiety. Loneliness. I got to listen to them and be there for them and imagine them living their lives as they told me about them and really root for them. And then, they asked about me and my life and they really cared to hear about it. And so I told them, about what I've done and where I've been, and my thoughts and my feelings about my life. It made me realize how I often awkwardly make self-referential comments in conversations that immediately make me feel self-conscious or selfish for saying "I love that place" or "I remember one time when I did that similar thing you are talking about right now" when I am talking to people who don't know me and don't love me. And it made me realize that I can tell those two ANYTHING and that's pretty awesome. Now if only they weren't each 1000 miles away. But then maybe it's the distance that has allowed us to stay so close?

My best adventures have led me to my best friends