Day 6

I am applying for promotion at work. The application consists of me submitting my CV, 3 letters of recommendation (one of which is to come from my direct supervisor who hasn't returned a call or email in over a month), a section where I point them to the parts of my CV that show my "clinical excellence," "collaboration," and "leadership." All that is left is this gem:

List your CAREER GOALS and OBJECTIVES

That's it. Goals and objectives. In a list for fuck's sake. Simple, direct, streamlined. Just lay it out there. I love lists, they are a procrastinator's best friend. But my list has stayed empty for a few weeks now, cursor blinking at me as I try to summon up just a few words that sum up my career goals and objectives. I've got nothing. I'm stuck!

I can't tell them that my objective is to show up when I want, play on the internet, hang out with a couple of amazing patients, get that banana pudding they sometimes have at the cafeteria, buy all the colored file folders and sticky notes, and leave by 4. My main objective is to go to work and get paid so I can go live the rest of my life. Ideally the job will be a fair trade for the 12 years and $100,000 dollars I spent on post-high school education. Even better, the job will feel fulfilling and rewarding and I will work with colleagues in an environment of mutual respect and friendship. I don't think any of that will exist when I bump up to the next level, as it hasn't existed yet and right now it's just all the responsibility, none of the glory/authority/agency/yada yada. I'm feeling more and more stuck professionally at work.

It makes me realize I was never particularly passionate about my work. I enjoyed the jobs I had throughout my adolescence and early adulthood (bakery age 13-17, tshirt store at the shore age 15-19, waitressing 18-23, work study junk throughout). I actually really liked waitressing - the harder I worked the more money I made and I basically got paid to hang out with my friends and neighbors. But when I was nearing the end of college and it came time to get a capital J-o-b I was stuck.

I had flailed (not failed but kinda) out of pre-med and ended up with a major in psychology. I asked a professor for a recommendation letter to go work in an eating disorders unit and he hired me to be his research assistant instead. I worked there for 2 years and he convinced me to apply to PhD programs. So I did. I got in, I worked hard, I got a PhD. I jumped through the required hoops, moved to across the country for a single year of training after my coursework, wrote a giant dissertation, amassed clinical training hours, got my license. I enjoyed the work I did, because I like people and their lives and understanding who they are and why they do what they do. But after I got my PhD I was stuck again.

I heard I should get a post-doc, so my old professor/supervisor hooked me up with an interview with a colleague. I got the job, where I basically sailed around aimlessly while my new supervisor went through the worst years of her life (infertility, miscarriage after miscarriage, depression, birth of twins, death of baby, loss of husband's job - the worst). I was brought on to fill the gaps while she circled the drain for three solid years. My fellowship finished up with me managing to learn quite a bit on my own, and then there I was again - stuck and in need of a job.

I interviewed where a friend worked and didn't love it despite their offer. I ended up sticking around at my fellowship - no muss, no fuss. That was two years ago, and here I am - applying for promotion (aka more money) and realizing I have no goals or objectives. My fellowship supervisor left this summer and saddled me with clean up while she goes to start her life over somewhere. Rather than give me any choice or voice the transition process she went and brought in my *original* professor/supervisor as a part-timer, at a HEFTY rate that is apparently eating up the funds that should be for me. So what does it mean to have a past-mentor who is now current-PI but who has no experience doing the research projects we're doing or treating the patients we work with? It means I do all the work and he hasn't shown up to the office for more than an hour since he started 2 months ago. It means he signs me up for research projects with other people in other divisions because "it's good for my professional development" even though I don't have time to work on more projects, and I want to be doing less research not more. It means even when I say, no, I'm sorry, but I can't commit to any more projects right now he sends me ranting emails about my work ethic and his investment in my professional development. It means that when my career goals don't involve being his assistant like I was 12 years ago he turns into a judgmental d-bag. It also means no one likes to work with him so they all come to me to get the job done. It means I'm stuck.

So what does that mean? This is the state of my career. I am a doctor. I am a professional. I am stuck.