I have completed 10% of my goal. I am finding that having the responsibility of writing, and thinking, about myself has definitely helped me to be more introspective or at least more aware of what was already swirling under the surface.
Today I am struggling with how to process the news of a very good friend's recent break up from his boyfriend of 3+ years. I can't say I saw them together forever, but I also did not see this coming. He says it was civil and polite, but that his partner has just fallen out of love with him and they have been just going through the motions for some time now. This is the same couple who spent the past few months whisking away to one exotic location after another for vacations, likely a last attempt to try to eek some sparks out of a flame that was long out. It breaks my heart because my friend said he was OK working on things, but his partner decided it was time to leave. They had just moved into to a lovely apartment together - bought lovely furniture, painted it lovely colors, made a lovely home. I will assume their festive holiday housewarming party is canceled, as though that is important to consider at a time like this.
It scares me. I mean, how do you *know* that you are in love, and that your partner is in love with you? How do you get back in to love if you are falling out of it? How does love change and grow with a marriage, and is it enough to just change with it? When do you know the love is just not there anymore? Can you get it back once it's gone?
I'm swirling now with anxious thoughts for my friend, feeling so sad to know how broken hearted he must be, no matter how civil and understandable the break up was. My heart breaks for him being alone, starting over, moving on when he was so OK where he was. But I am also hopeful that he will one day find a true true love who will be with him through thick and thin, who will become as much a part of my family as he is, who will stick through the not-so-lovely parts of relationships and who will make my friend so happy that he'll never have to doubt love again.
And more anxiously, I am thinking of myself and my partner, and wondering - how will we ensure we avoid the same fate?
I think about this from time to time. How do you *know*? Where is the promise that love will stay? For me the answer is that I don't know. That it's a leap of faith. That I love Jami enough now (and loved her enough when we got married) to risk the possibility that it could all blow up. That even if it did blow up, I'd still be happy that I tried. That's where I fall on things right now any way.
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