Day 90

I've been thinking about my goals for year 34 and all I can think about are my bad habits. I'm going to lay it all out there and share my bad habits, sneaky secrets, etc. Well maybe not *all* of it. Here is the some of the dark truth about me.

I don't floss regularly; I lie to the dentist about this and seem to be fooling them so far. Joke will be on me when my teeth fall out.

I have trouble not eating sweets.

I don't know what kombucha is and I don't care enough to google it.

I am terribly critical of myself and others.

I watch garbage television and neglect the stacks of books I could be reading.

I hate to exercise for the sake of exercise.

I wait until I'm almost out of clothes to do laundry, then need to do a gajillion loads at once.

I leave my dishes in the sink and they magically disappear.

I don't scoop the litterbox enough, so A has taken it over as her duty; Sid was my cat so I feel bad but not bad enough to do it myself.

I delay calling friends back.

I delay almost anything I can manage to put off.

I get terrible anxiety before traveling. Not the fearful, panicky about the trip kind but the random snappy and cranky kind of anxious.

I'm a clutter bug. My table is covered in mail. I save things that are junk. Not a hoarder but not a minimalist either.

I take cabs way too often; it's embarrassing to see how much I spend on avoiding the bus or waking up 15 minutes earlier.

I complain a lot.

I dress terribly but am too lazy/disinterested to try harder.

My house is covered in dust and cat hair.

I brush my hair when it's wet; I don't even own a wide-toothed comb.

I don't wear sunscreen regularly even though I'm a fair-skinned, freckled red head with a history of skin cancer before age 25. I vainly go for the "clear complexion" moisturizer to fight zits rather than the kind with sunscreen.

This is getting tedious so I'll stop there but know the list is much longer. Now to strategize for some self-improvement.

Day 89

Time for an update on the 33 goals I set for myself last year when I turned 33, in no particular order. Many of these will likely carry over to my goals for year 34, but I will certainly have new items to add to my agenda. Defensiveness/explanations/excuses TBA.

Purple = done
Blue = in progress/ongoing
Black = entirely neglected with varying levels of guilt

1. Read 3 classic novels
2. Go to Yosemite
3. Go to Hawaii. Buy a souvenir.
4. Learn to sew
5. Make a quilt
6. Get pregnant
7. Work on being neater at home.
8. Get more furniture and plants for the roof deck. Use it more!
9. See a Broadway show.
10. Maintain healthy eating habits. Limit junk foods.
11. Be active - walk and exercise regularly (more than 1x per week)
12. Lose 5-10lbs (and/or don't gain weight, unless #6)
13. Get a real nightstand in the bedroom, with my own lamp
14. Get a long, low dresser in the bedroom
15. Paint or refinish a piece of furniture
16. Make some art to hang in the house
17. Go to Grounds for Sculpture
18. Try to eat at Philadelphia Magazine's Top 50 Restaurants
19. Turn the basement into a cozy den
20. Paint the wall under the counter/bar
21. Go away for a long weekend with Anne only
22. Have more sex
23. Find a great pair of boots. Buy them, for under $300.
24. Donate more to charity
25. Get rid of old clothes
26. Go out with Anne once a month on a date
27. Experiment with at-home cocktails (create a signature drink)
28. Take baths in the tub
29. Use the blender
30. Frame the Philadelphia print, hang in on the map wall
31. Get prescription sunglasses
32. Reupholster dining room chairs
33. Foster a marriage that is fulfilling and enjoyable - for both of us

Day 88

It's my birthday! I'm 34! This apparently means no parties or lavish gifts but instead reveling in the simplicity of a stable life. Or something like that.

I'm already thinking about my annual goals for the coming year, a sort of personal resolution/agenda I like to set for myself at the start of each new year at my birthday. I hope to review last year's progress here later this week before strategizing for my 34th year on the planet.

Day 87

It's my birthday eve. I turn 34 in a few hours. Yesterday I celebrated with a dog funeral/birthday dinner at my parents' house - take out Chinese and a frozen cake from the grocery store, punctuated by many toasts to Rudy the dog from my increasingly drunk dad. I ended the day with a nice fight with Anne where we fought about all the same old stuff. Today was better. Knitting class, in which I made a thing that's starting to look like a thing. Lunch at the Pop Shop, consisting of grilled cheese and tomato soup with goldfish crackers and a strawberry malted milkshake. A movie with Anne. Now I'm settling in with the Golden Globes, taking decorations off the tree, maybe working on my knitting. And settling in for a long boring work day tomorrow starting with an 8am doctor appointment and ending with a 6pm meeting, with lots of boring junk between. This is no banner birthday but I feel I am on the verge of a great year. 34. Cheers to another year. 

Day 84

Tonight we said goodbye to our dear family dog, Rudy. He was 11 years old and the best dog I ever knew. He was a Brittany Spaniel with white and red hair (my family will only have red haired pets because we are all red haired weirdos). He had a stumpy little tail and when he was happy his whole butt wiggled. He had the fattest butt I ever saw on a dog. He was the wiggle pup, his whole body wiggled with joy.  He nearly died at Christmas 3 years ago and my dad spent the big money he'd saved for a fancy road bike on specialty vet care, tests, medicine. We thought we'd lose him then  and it was the first time I saw my dad cry since I was an adult. Tonight my dad sobbed on the phone. He couldn't even speak. My heart broke. For poor Rudy, whose history caught up with him as he grew lumps and bumps, struggled to breathe the last few months, and struggled to move this week. For my parents who love that dog way more than his brother Louie who is a bit of a jerk as dogs go, more than their two cats and just slightly more than Zucca the cat who we lost 2 years ago. They loved that he was always happy, never ran away, wandered cheerfully without a leash no matter where he went, that on hot days he slept in the same spot in the garden near the Virgin Mary statue in the yard. He always stayed by their side when they needed him the most. I haven't lived with Rudy in years but he knew me as family when I came, and wiggled right into my heart every time. Goodbye Rudy. You were the best. 

Day 83

I did it. 8 days into the year I completed one of my anti-resolutions and quit the gym. I hadn't stepped foot in there since march 2013.  That means $50/month for 10 months. $500 smackers down the drain. Proof of laziness in my avoidance of the gym AND my avoidance of canceling my membership. 

So, though I'm poorer and no more for than last year I am going to consider his a win for 2014.  

Day 82

So of course it's cold out there. My glasses iced over and froze on the walk to the bus, my nose was a snotsicle. But I survived, as most of us will, and spent the rest of the day near-overheating in my office due to a very powerful space heater, a closed door, and frustrating work garbage that went on and on and on. Once I finished the morning part of my day when I visited with patients who were in to see our surgeons (which I enjoy), the day tanked. All afternoon I had to deal with JUNK created and perpetuated by bad systems and dumb people. I felt powerless all day to change anything, frustrated with how things work, irritated that I can't just do a job I like and be good at it and get paid. At what point do you decide that not liking where you are is reason enough to look elsewhere? Or to go elsewhere? Or to leave and go with no other place to be?  Something I've been chewing on this week...and for the past few months, and even years if I'm honest.

This weekend I had a great skype-meeting with a group of friends from grad school. We live all over now, so once in a while we get some face time to see each other and catch up. We all shared our news and then I asked how M has been, since she was uncharacteristically quiet. She instantly burst into tears, and slowly shared how hard things have been for her at work, coupled with coming off her antidepressant/anxiety meds for the first time in 10 years as she tries to get pregnant. Things are so bad that she hopes for some rare pregnancy complication that keeps her out of work or forces her to quite. So bad that when she looked back on the past year she classified it as the worst in her life ever, forgetting that she got engaged and married and went to Norway. That bad! It was so easy for all of us to support her, coach her, let her know that she's worth having better than 80 hour, unappreciated, overworked, underpaid weeks that suck the life out of her life. It was easy to tell her to risk walking away and have faith that good will follow.

At what point do I give myself similar advice, and follow it? Where is the limit?

Day 80

80% complete. That's totally a passing grade. 

I learned to knit today, a bit. Not enough to know how I fix a mistake but enough to know that I made a mistake. Just the knit and purl stitches. Next week I learn to cast on and make a "neck warmer" which is a mini scarf with a button. I definitely see myself getting in in the groove when it's working, but also foresee my competitive, perfectionistic self struggling with it not looking good and messing up. It could be a good practice for me. 

Are you learning anything new?

Day 78

I get a bit contrary about new year's resolutions. Last year my only resolution was to try to use up all the sample-sized and hotel shampoo and lotion bottles that collect dust in my bathroom. I barely made a dent in that pile, mostly because I'm a creature of habit and I like to use what I like to use. I do not like to use strange, miniature, unusually scented freebies. If you do, let me know - they are all yours. I think my primary resolution this year is to quit the gym - I've been dutifully paying my $40 a month and haven't stepped foot inside since early spring. I resolve to quit pretending to exercise.

Instead I make birthday resolutions, a solid 13 days after the new year. I made better progress on that list, which I will update in a few weeks here. One thing I set out to do was learn to sew. I signed up for classes, dusted of the sewing machine. I went to a class and made a shapeless tote bag. Then I crafted curtains from a fabric that was too heavy and too brightly colored for what I wanted. I magicked one of those curtain panels into a pillow cover thanks to the magic of you tube. The rest of the fabric is folded nicely in my cute little cart, along with fabric scraps that are destined for a quilt one day. I don't doubt my ability to piece it together and sew the squares, but I feel afraid of when i need to use batting and put a back on and actually quilt it. I signed up for a quilting class at a local sewing shop and I got a call last week that they are closing, all future classes canceled. My project had ended before it began, and my great intentions to commit to an 8-wk scheduled class were foiled. So, with a hefty store credit I faced the decision of getting my money back or signing up for something at their to-remain-open yarn shop. In the interest of learning, I signed up for a 2-hour a week for a month knitting class. I start this Sunday. At the end of the month I will have needles and yarn and a hat and a mini-scarf with a button. And maybe a new hobby, or maybe an old hobby to get added to the abandoned hobbies cart.

Day 77

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.